leave

leave while you can

i still can't trust anybody

i still can't talk to anybody 

thank god for you guys, things are finally okay

If I ever wished a wish, dreamed a dream, or sought my fortune — all paths would lead to you.

james dean get in my pants. 

July 6, in the morning
My angel, my all, my very self -
Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time -
Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine -
Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be -
Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to you with me.
But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I -
My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong.
The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road.
Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road.
Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties -
Now a quick change to things internal from things external.
We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life -
If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these.
My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all -
Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours.
The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be -
Your faithful LUDWIG 

faq u h8ters

writing used to come so naturally to me, now I find it so hard to express myself.

it's so gloomy today

I'm so good at numbing myself and pushing things aside. No, I'm not miserable.

I've always had a basic outline of my future, I knew what I wanted, where I wanted to be, who I wanted to become and how I was going to reach my ambitions from the very beginning. As exciting as uncertainty is, it's scaring the fuck out of me. Over the years I feel as though I slowly changed into someone I don't like. My drive and need to succeed was shown through my eyes, my heart, my choices, my face and my actions then I surrounded myself with people who just didn't care and I saw myself change into that. Someone who didn't care if they weren't going to be anybody. I'm so disappointed in myself. I've never cared what anybody else thought of me but I care what I think of me and right now, (in a non self loathing way) I hate myself. 

Passionate. I think that is the best way to describe me. In almost everything and everyone I do (hehehe) I give my heart and soul and sometimes it's my biggest flaw because the only one that doesn't have all my effort and time is me. I seemed to have lost who I was, I'm CATRINA FUCKING TAN. All the negativity in my life has gone and passed. It's time to give my heart and soul back to me. I'm going to shit in all your faces, all who didn't believe. They say it takes a lifetime to find your purpose in life but I already know what I was sent here to do: inspire and impact. I'm going to be big someday, you wait and see. 

05/02/2012

I wonder everyday whether the choice I made was right. Everybody who is faced with a dire situation knows which is the right decision and which is really what they want to do. The answer is that what I did was most definitely not morally right and facing the repercussions of it today, I finally realise that it wasn't what I wanted to do either. At the time, if only I approached somebody, anyone maybe things would be different but seeing as my ego is as big as anything I would never look to anybody for help.

The biggest regret in my life so far and probably only will be is the choice I made that very day. 

I can't imagine the day I won't

the distance created by far is greater than time

yet the rush of emotions felt never (most likely ever) will change

at least I know you have the satisfaction that you're constantly being missed and thought of